I used to dislike being alone. The silence and absence of connection would rip through me making me feel neglected and unloved. So often I felt misunderstood, and because I spent so much time masking my pain in an attempt to feel strong and together, it was, I’m sure, impossible for those close to me to really know and define my inner agony. I needed satiation, instant gratification and constant conversation. I was detracting, avoiding, numbing and emotionally self medicating.
Self awareness and introspection has brought me to a different space. Now, I cherish my solitude like a precious gem. Now, in this moment, I accept my aloneness as a necessary part of my vibrancy and health.
I have to be careful. I find in these times that I can stay inside of my aloneness for days; to the point that it turns into an attempt to shut the world out, and that, I’m sure, is not always a a positive perspective. Where once I couldn't get enough of human connection, now, sometimes the energy of humans grates at me like nails on a chalkboard.
Balancing has taken much work. I am in a moment by moment state of reminding myself to remain open and aware in this moment. I am learning to be a humble observer. Being alone has allowed me to connect with silence, no need to participate in forced conversations where moments of silence feel awkward, but instead spending time with me, the breeze and the sweet singing of my wind chimes.
Where once aloneness pierced me like a drowning mass of angst, it now caresses me in knowing, thought and purpose. I am observing the world from a silent perspective, and each day I draw one step closer to pure and total acceptance. I have gone into the silence, for it is in the silence, that I have truly become familiar with the authentic voice of God, my own inner voice, which belongs to me and me alone; the sweet singing of my own inter-dimensional ability to have conversations absent of words.
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