Drowning

the mask is slipping,
tie it tight around my neck,
choke the sobs back,
gotta keep my face intact.

the tears are escaping,
suck my breath inside my chest,
the night terrors return,
because I dug in and wrote again.

I'm drowning without a vest,
I'm feeling lost inside the emptiness,
cant seem to find the shore,
caught inside this tumultuous drift.

I'm a girl without a friend,
love me when I'm smiling bright,
turn away, I turn out the lights,
and enter into my own personal fright night.

I understand. 
I wouldn't want to be around me either,
constantly fighting demons,
I'm lost in between their teeth and smothering.

I could dig a cavern and bury deep,
being bitten in the pit
of all the secrets I keep,
I am dying from the poison as I sink.

they say poetry can cleanse the soul,
but it doesn't pay the bills,
and I can't seem to get out of this hole,
or even attempt to deal.

I have pillows stained from screaming,
sheets alive with orgasmic angst,
and I cannot control the seeping,
or the overflowing pain.

This is not depression, this is reality,
this is not despair, this is needing to know why,
I feel like I am going to die,
even when I smile.

Maybe it's just today; maybe tomorrow changes,
Maybe the memories scatter away,
and a miracle will arrive, where I never have to see,
the look in their eyes, like the one in mine.

but today, I'm shedding the horrific dreams,
images of bleeding babies sucking breath,
and mothers in the snow filled grass,
with emblems of God on their chest.

pushing me to jump inside the swirling water,
I am a soul without a father, but
have you ever stopped to ask
if I even know how to swim?

~vennie~

copyright @ dbv publishing 2011