Tragedy’s Laughing Gas

sometimes I think I
need the heartbreak,
just so I can cry.

sometimes it's excruciating
being the strong one
on my knees,
they say
"you see?
she's not unbreakable."

oh, fools,
i've been broken all along.
in your haste to
shove me onto
a pedestal
you just didn't
take the time to notice.

I sit in the aftermath,
of tragedy's laughing gas,
staring at mirrored walls,
like a blink or a smile
will relieve it for a while.

I have been conditioned.

I am deprogramming.

sometimes the tears
don't come so easy,
i push them,
barely breathing,
as the breeze
steals their possibility,
and I am left
in a desert of reality.

I hold no regret
with being open.
I hold no angst
with laying my heart
against the guillotine
to have the chance
to touch one soul.

sometimes i listen
just to absorb a little more,
let it melt its way
down to the core
where the raindrops
laugh and avoid
spilling into the sea.

I am a woman
with a thousand
lifetimes of history
flowing through me
like watered down
mercury.

if you don't
choose to see me,
I can't carry the blame,
and if you choose
to abuse me,
I won't carry the shame.

~vennie~
copyright @ dbv publishing 2011