Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Conservative Bible

I now present - The Conservative Bible!


  • Judge not lest we judge ye for judging.

  • Blessed are the children of the poor and uneducated for they shall provide cheap labor. Amen.

  • "Blessed are the really good liars for they shall find endless employment in Conservative Media."

  • and lo, Jesus noticed a doubter in the midst of his 12 disciples and ordered the other 11 to murder Thomas.

  • Blessed are the corporate lobbyists for they will have work in government or out, no matter which party holds sway.

  • Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Unless she's hot, and you're Newt Gingrich.

  • And God created the heaven and earth for you to rape, poison, and pillage. Amen.

  • And Jesus sought the most arrogant, hateful, jingoistic and power hungry, gave them nuclear weapons and said "Go forth and conquer!"

  • Suffer the poor, starving little children to come to us so we can make them suffer more.

  • Thou shalt not kill. Only we shall!

  • For those who have ears to hear, let them close them unless listening to us.

  • "And I shall send you a woman, dressed hotly, but dumber than a bag of hammers to lead you, and you shall call her Sarah Palin!" sayeth the Lord.

  • and lo Jesus saw they were ready to stone the woman to death, and Jesus shouteth, "Let the games begin!"

  • Blessed are the weapons dealers for they shall make bank both in peace AND in war. Bless the MARKET! Amen.

  • Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, but if you can acquire it with sub-prime loans, that's just fine.

  • And Jesus said to Mary Magdalene - "Take that shit to Jerry Springer beyotch. I don't know you!"


  • Beat those telling you there is mercury in the fishes and sawdust in the loaves for the Lord Jesus hateth a snitch.

  • Six days thy poor are to work, but on the seventh day they shalt work harder so that their bosses can keep it holy.

  • By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, in a shower made by KBR.

  • The laborer is worthy of the bread crumbs from his masters table, Of health benefits...not so much.

  • If someone should striketh you on the cheek, turn and invade a country that has oil.

  • John 3:16 and God so loved the world he sold his only begotten son at a 30% commission on a tax free day then hid the profit in an off-shore account.

  • Jesus says: "Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find. Otherwise, just waterboard the fuckers."

  • Whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. But not in a lesbian way or anything like that.

  • In the beginning, God created Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. And on the second day, God created oxycontin. Jesus wept.

  • And then in an effort to see the true face of god, Rush the Baptist swallowed a handful of oxycontin.

  • God, You create our world and give us life. We thank you, but we're going to destroy it with our Nukes. Can we still enter Heaven? PLEASE?

  • Jesus healed the lame, then shouted to the blind: "Thou knowest not that blindness is a pre-existing condition??"

  • And Maximus Baucus said, "I do not want Jesus dead, but he hath not 60 votes, so crucify him." And he washed his hands.

  • Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain, unless it sends you over the hump in a close election.

  • The Lord said, "Hell no I'm not sending my only son again. You'd take one look at his dark, middle eastern, Jerusalem skin and kill him for being a Muslim Terrorist!"

  • And the Disciples gathered around Jesus saying "We have concern that Judas is indeed a Muslim Terrorist."

  • Though shalt not lie, unless it is in the small print in an enforcable contract.

  • Thou shalt not worship idols before me, unless that idol is Ayn Rand.

  • Blessed are the straight & white, for the Lord of All, cares only for the seriously uptight.

  • "Blessed are they who use religion to achieve their political aims."

  • Love thy neighbor as yourself, unless he violates Home Owner Association rules and plants a vegetable garden.

  • Love the Lord your God with your heart, soul and mind, and most of all, love only the neighbors that are just like you.

  • The good man brings good things out of the good stored in his heart, the evil man brings Fox News hatred for his brother. (Conservative Preacher: "Who the hell put this verse in here??? Matthew?  Mark?  Luke? John? Oh, nobody knows, huh, okay.  WATERBOARDERS!  MOUNT UP!)

  • Thou shalt NOT let he who is without health insurance cast the first vote.

  • My son, keep my words, except when twisting them is politically expedient.

  • Jesus said give to god what is god's, render unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's unless you have a good accountant like George Dubyahs!

  • Jesus took the fish & loaves, and they fed about 7 people before their foodstamps ran out. And Jesus was pleased.

  • CONSERVATIVE JESUS: "Torture, treason and corruption, by our works you will know us." 

And so I leave you with my own little hand scratched version of my Conservative Hypocrisy cartoon!










1 comment:

  1. Some of these are pretty hilarious :-D Thank you for sharing them, I will save the hashtag on my twitter account!

    ReplyDelete