I now present - The Conservative Bible!
Judge not lest we judge ye for judging.
Blessed are the children of the poor and uneducated for they shall provide cheap labor. Amen.
"Blessed are the really good liars for they shall find endless employment in Conservative Media."
and lo, Jesus noticed a doubter in the midst of his 12 disciples and ordered the other 11 to murder Thomas.
Blessed are the corporate lobbyists for they will have work in government or out, no matter which party holds sway.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Unless she's hot, and you're Newt Gingrich.
And God created the heaven and earth for you to rape, poison, and pillage. Amen.
And Jesus sought the most arrogant, hateful, jingoistic and power hungry, gave them nuclear weapons and said "Go forth and conquer!"
Suffer the poor, starving little children to come to us so we can make them suffer more.
Thou shalt not kill. Only we shall!
For those who have ears to hear, let them close them unless listening to us.
"And I shall send you a woman, dressed hotly, but dumber than a bag of hammers to lead you, and you shall call her Sarah Palin!" sayeth the Lord.
and lo Jesus saw they were ready to stone the woman to death, and Jesus shouteth, "Let the games begin!"
Blessed are the weapons dealers for they shall make bank both in peace AND in war. Bless the MARKET! Amen.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, but if you can acquire it with sub-prime loans, that's just fine.
And Jesus said to Mary Magdalene - "Take that shit to Jerry Springer beyotch. I don't know you!"
Beat those telling you there is mercury in the fishes and sawdust in the loaves for the Lord Jesus hateth a snitch.
Six days thy poor are to work, but on the seventh day they shalt work harder so that their bosses can keep it holy.
By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, in a shower made by KBR.
The laborer is worthy of the bread crumbs from his masters table, Of health benefits...not so much.
If someone should striketh you on the cheek, turn and invade a country that has oil.
John 3:16 and God so loved the world he sold his only begotten son at a 30% commission on a tax free day then hid the profit in an off-shore account.
Jesus says: "Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find. Otherwise, just waterboard the fuckers."
Whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. But not in a lesbian way or anything like that.
In the beginning, God created Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. And on the second day, God created oxycontin. Jesus wept.
And then in an effort to see the true face of god, Rush the Baptist swallowed a handful of oxycontin.
God, You create our world and give us life. We thank you, but we're going to destroy it with our Nukes. Can we still enter Heaven? PLEASE?
Jesus healed the lame, then shouted to the blind: "Thou knowest not that blindness is a pre-existing condition??"
And Maximus Baucus said, "I do not want Jesus dead, but he hath not 60 votes, so crucify him." And he washed his hands.
Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain, unless it sends you over the hump in a close election.
The Lord said, "Hell no I'm not sending my only son again. You'd take one look at his dark, middle eastern, Jerusalem skin and kill him for being a Muslim Terrorist!"
And the Disciples gathered around Jesus saying "We have concern that Judas is indeed a Muslim Terrorist."
Though shalt not lie, unless it is in the small print in an enforcable contract.
Thou shalt not worship idols before me, unless that idol is Ayn Rand.
Blessed are the straight & white, for the Lord of All, cares only for the seriously uptight.
"Blessed are they who use religion to achieve their political aims."
Love thy neighbor as yourself, unless he violates Home Owner Association rules and plants a vegetable garden.
Love the Lord your God with your heart, soul and mind, and most of all, love only the neighbors that are just like you.
The good man brings good things out of the good stored in his heart, the evil man brings Fox News hatred for his brother. (Conservative Preacher: "Who the hell put this verse in here??? Matthew? Mark? Luke? John? Oh, nobody knows, huh, okay. WATERBOARDERS! MOUNT UP!)
Thou shalt NOT let he who is without health insurance cast the first vote.
My son, keep my words, except when twisting them is politically expedient.
Jesus said give to god what is god's, render unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's unless you have a good accountant like George Dubyahs!
Jesus took the fish & loaves, and they fed about 7 people before their foodstamps ran out. And Jesus was pleased.
CONSERVATIVE JESUS: "Torture, treason and corruption, by our works you will know us."
And so I leave you with my own little hand scratched version of my Conservative Hypocrisy cartoon!
Some of these are pretty hilarious :-D Thank you for sharing them, I will save the hashtag on my twitter account!
ReplyDelete