Moving to Wordpress

I've decided to move the majority of my posts over to Wordpress.  If you wish to follow me there, you can do so by clicking: http://venniekocsis.wordpress.com 

thank you! 

A Language

I found a language

Only spoken by me

Words describing the 

Truth of what I see 

The sleeping

The weeping

Must everything have 

Definition in this

Two dimensional 

I have a question

Need an answer

About the hereafter

And what might not be?

No satisfaction 

In the possibility 

Of being 

They sell 

Tears in bottles

Quiet in caves

Satiation for the 

Impotent pain 

I speak of me 

The anxiety

The way I 

Breathe through each 

Rythmic memory

Floating inside

The digital veil

I speak

Authenticity 

Vulnerability

This is

The language me 

v.k poetry 

http://venniekocsis.com 

Arising From the Slumber

It's been almost a year since I've been here.  I feel an urge to awaken the sleeping.

How To Safely Jump Off A Runaway Train

If I start to break down the 20 plus years I've been an adult, it feels like the runaway train ride a person could ever take.  It loops and spins, jerks up and shoots down with mass force a thousand and one times! There are too many moments I didn't think I'd survive.  I've been to streets I shouldn't have been traipsing on, fought fights I shouldn't have been fighting and made a lot of choices as an adult that sent me reeling into out of route directions lasting longer than they should have.  

So how'd I get off that runaway train? 

I didn't learn the safe way off the first time.  Oh no, I learned it by thinking I had the safe way off the ride, crawling out of the train car, almost being sucked under the wheels, then climbing back in to re-evaluate my next option. My biggest lesson?  To listen to my intuition.  When it said "time to leap" I had to go without fear and do it. 

I've received so many experiences which have taught me about myself. I have learned to be an active listener, to be present in the moment, to always embrace gratitude as the first option in everything.  This doesn't mean that we always succeed at it.  It means we actively continue to try, to perfect or skill and to become better at being present and mindful.  

I have many mantras that I love, but if I had to choose one favorite, I would leave you with this one: 

"I let go of that which has served its purpose and accept the new without fear." 

Here's to releasing chaos and accepting peace! 

Days of Being

Mindset.  Actualizing.  Worry struck me sideways.  I leaned away into gratitude.  I make memories out of thoughts and creating futures.  Didn’t know where there would be fuel, sustenance, other things.  A breath and a smile said “it’s cool, baby.  just be.”
and so I did. just be.

friends are welcoming, open arms and smiling faces.

          patterns weave on their own, making rainbows out of hope.

I am royalty, deserving.

I have conquered:

• saying no
• saying  yes
• actively listening
• holding space
• patience
• acceptance

and being alone.  

The Foolishness of Fool

There are fools
Addicted to foolishness
Dramatic situations
Snorting lies like white powder
Chasing the next high.

They leave damage in their wake
Smashing acceptance like hurricanes
With no concern
For the cleanup.

I bear their scars
In every tear line
Staining my cheeks.

I am buried under the heaviness
Breathing in the emptiness
Of their dismissive carelessness.

It is the season of sadness.
They wring smiles from the innocents,
And I watch girls cry blood tears
As their hearts die.

Shut down
Mode block and protect
Build a poison moat
Around my decadence
So when they try to taste
Their predatory intent
Will waste away slowly.

I soak in more than mouths reveal;
The thoughts concealed,
And I become celibacy
As intimacy evolves into absence.

I left my wings in the sand.
They are buried under child castles
Waiting for the tide
To take them to the deep
As I weep, weep
For what can never be.

You don't know the whole of this,
Don't pause to see,
Or listen to the words I speak,
Too busy wearing the crown of "Me"
Because nothing exists
Outside your self-centered need,
Gathering, discarding,
No emotion
Towards the souls you are harming.

Solitude is my safe place
Away from the arms I crave,
Not present when the eyes boil over.

I clutch thrift store pillows
With psychedelic flowers
And await the witching hour
Where other kin understand of
The sadistic carelessness of humans.

v.k

copyright @ dbv publishing 2013

Aloneness

I used to dislike being alone.  The silence and absence of connection would rip through me making me feel neglected and unloved.   So often I felt misunderstood, and because I spent so much time masking my pain in an attempt to feel strong and together, it was, I’m sure, impossible for those close to me to really know and define my inner agony.  I needed satiation, instant gratification and constant conversation.  I was detracting, avoiding, numbing and emotionally self medicating. 

Self awareness and introspection has brought me to a different space.  Now, I cherish my solitude like a precious gem.  Now, in this moment, I accept my aloneness as a necessary part of my vibrancy and health. 
I have to be careful.  I find in these times that I can stay inside of my aloneness for days; to the point that it turns into an attempt to shut the world out, and that, I’m sure, is not always a a positive perspective.  Where once I couldn't get enough of human connection, now, sometimes the energy of humans grates at me like nails on a chalkboard.

Balancing has taken much work.  I am in a moment by moment state of reminding myself to remain open and aware in this moment.  I am learning to be a humble observer.  Being alone has allowed me to connect with silence, no need to participate in forced conversations where moments of silence feel awkward, but instead spending time with me, the breeze and the sweet singing of my wind chimes.  

Where once aloneness pierced me like a drowning mass of angst, it now caresses me in knowing, thought and purpose.  I am observing the world from a silent perspective, and each day I draw one step closer to pure and total acceptance.  I have gone into the silence, for it is in the silence, that I have truly become familiar with the authentic voice of God, my own inner voice, which belongs to me and me alone; the sweet singing of my own inter-dimensional ability to have conversations absent of words.

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A Few Vennie Facts

Some Random Things About Me
1. I like time alone. Too much noise grates me.
2. I am tend to like things organized and get quite irritable around chaos.
3. I do not have a gross attachment to money. It does not drive me. Creating and touching people's lives drives me.
4. I do peel a banana, in the same way the monkeys do.
5. I once almost drown in the Mississippi River.
6. Vanilla is my favorite scent.
7. I am an insomniac.
8. While I agree the world is a cold, hard place, I don't believe one has to be an asshole because of it.
9. I wholly believe in the power of love and the absolute turn on of Domination.
Ways To Win My Heart
1. Be kind and genuine. watching a man treat people well is very sexy.
2. Be honest. tell it like it is. but be classy.
3. be a gentleman and treat me like a lady. open my door for me. pull out my chair. kiss my cheek. show me chivalry isn't dead.
4. have a kick ass motorcycle (Harley preferred)
5. be spontaneous with me - if I pull you behind a tree, don't stop me.
6. play footsies with me under the table.
7. pay attention to what i like. example: a random literature magazine as a gift would go a long way.
8. be self confident and lacking of Ego. Ego is so boring.  I will lose respect. check it at the door. humility. that will reel me in.
Turn Offs
1. Shady People
2. Uncleanliness
3. Bad hygiene
4. Inflated Egos

Ghost Chair

Flashbacks come in the matter of seconds. I round the corner in the kitchen to fill the cat food bowl, and I run straight into a shadow of the kitchen chair reflected on the wall.  I am frozen in my step; immediately swept back to my childhood, my little body, tied in a chair.  I throw these moments into poetry,  pictures, music and art.  I know no where else to store them.

Ghost Chair

There are ghost chairs
dancing shadows in my kitchen
it's a division of demons
creeping into the limelight.

I hold my fists tight.

I am riveted in this breath
staring at the darkness;
the lines on the walls;
I am re-walking dark halls
between men legs.

I can't break my eyes away.
I reach for pictures.
This is a trigger
in full blown affect.
Gotta document
so they'll understand
how unexpected flashbacks
wait lurking in corners.

Television screens
and movie scenes
always avoiding
in case I'm swept in reverse
to the times I was hurt.

Bruises never go away.
They're right here
dancing in the shadows
cast by the day.

I'm stuck in ghost chairs
missing fistfuls of hair.
and I'm there again screaming.
I shudder.
The memory echoes like
thunder in my head.

Turn away
Turn away
Don't travel there today

But you see
emotion lingers
makes the minutes go slow so
it's best to write a poem
and let it seep
to keep it from whispering
"remember me?"

I don't wish to recall
yet I long to fill the holes
sift through the dirt
and dig up the bones.

Someone's gotta pay atonement
for the innocence they took,
but death has come to greet the swine
and they're almost off the hook.

One day they'll return
to where the fires burn
and in the middle will be a chair
just waiting...
waiting...
for the wicked fan fare.

I hope they splay their wrists bare
and eat it with the twine
like they did mine.

All I have left are the pictures
the sunlight makes in halls,
unexpected incidences
when my mind decides to recall,
an ink stained bed sheet,

a thousand journeys
written on lined paper,
and a ghost chair
dancing on my wall.

by Vennie Kocsis

Poet

copyright @ dbv publishing 2013

Emerging the Empath - a self portrait

Title: Emerging the Empath - Self Portrait
Medium: Acrylic on canvas
Size: 18x12
Artist: Vennie Kocsis
{Available for purchase in print to canvas and poster on My Website)